Its been over 6 months since I first talked about going through a divorce on my blog Jumbled Words. Part of the reasons that I first started to write blog was to help people learn from my experience of getting divorced, and also to provide inspiration on the positive changes that came out of one of the worst experiences of my life.
What I in fact had to start facing is that I was not over the impacts of my divorce . And when I talk impacts, I’m not talking about the stages of grief that we all face. The damage I had yet to really understand was who I am, compared to the person I’d compromised into becoming because of my ex- husband.
I got to watch one of my new favorite films again recently, The Greatest Showman. One of the main songs in the film was ‘This is me’. This brought me straight back to the moment I tried to save my marriage. And in return, my ex- husband verbally destroyed everything about me.
Cutting it short, my husband decided he wanted a divorce out of the blue. And the method he used to leave our marriage was unfair to me, and what had been a 13 year relationship. In leaving, he labelled me as manipulative, unattractive (because I was overweight), had no friends, wouldn’t let him do what he wanted, lazy, a workaholic, he no longer loved me and didn’t like me as a human being. He then stated that he didn’t see how this could be fixed. Within this hour discussion he’d listed every negative self- hatred thought I’d had about myself. For the majority of my life I have a little voice in my head. This little voice tells me I’m not worth anything. I’m a horrible human being. I don’t deserve to live. My ex in that moment told me, that little voice in my head had actually been right.
For months afterwards I buried myself in work, exercise and any kind of social event I could do. So that I could ignore all my emotions. I completely lost my connection to myself. And in doing so, I lost myself into the question, Who am I? In developing all these cravings to answer this question, I also tried to tackle every accusation my ex laid at my feet. I would fluctuate from either lying to myself from the truths he said (that I had difficulties letting him spend time away from me), to believing his lies (that I was really unlovable) or trying to prove him wrong (that I was unattractive, fat and lazy).
In this internal battle that resided through me, it wasn’t until I slowly started to open up about what I was going through. And when I say open up, it was starting to join Divorce support groups on Facebook. I virtually never posted anything. All I did was listen to the similar arguments and pain that others were going through from the emotional damage their ex’s caused them. And what I realised was that what my ex said was one moment of our relationship. All the comments he made were a fraction compared to the 13 years we were together. This was just a reflection of how he felt he was able to leave our marriage. This was a reflection of him in one moment. Not me. But in that moment, I was left feeling like an outcast of humanity. Like the cast in ‘The Greatest Showman’. But in watching that movie again, I was reminded to not let my ex’s comments dictate what I believe of myself.
The joker in me, has enjoyed posting this on April Fool’s day. This is because I was a fool for so long in believing the labels my ex laid at my feet. His comments, the way he chose to end our marriage, was more of a reflection on him (at what I’m sure was one of the hardest weeks in his life too). But it is in no way a reflection of the value of me as a person. The only person who has the right to determine that is me. And I’ve decided I am glorious.